Finding out that someone you know has cancer can be difficult. You may have many questions, both about cancer itself and about how you should talk to and act around this person. If you’re very close to the person who has cancer, this can be a frightening and stressful time for you, too. Here, we will try to answer some of your questions about cancer. We will also share some ideas about how you can show your concern and offer your help to someone with cancer.
What to expect
Will the person with cancer have physical changes?
There are some common physical changes shared by many cancer patients. The cancer itself causes some of these changes and others are the result of side effects of cancer treatment. Keep in mind that each cancer journey is different. The person with cancer may or may not have any of the following:
For many cancer patients, the hardest side effect to deal with is fatigue. People report that fatigue can be overwhelming, and they are surprised at how tired they can feel long after treatment ends. It can take a long time to heal after surgery, and people can feel tired for months after an operation. Chemotherapy can involve many weeks of strong medicines that worsen fatigue as the body heals. People getting radiation therapy also report extreme fatigue. The person with cancer may also experience stress and emotional concerns, which add to exhaustion. Fatigue can go on for many months after treatment is over.
A
list of basic do’s and don’ts
Do:
·
Take your cues from
the person with cancer. Some people are very private while others will openly
talk about their illness. Respect the person’s need to share or their need for
privacy.
·
Let them know you
care.
·
Respect their
decisions about how the cancer will be treated, even if you disagree.
·
Include the person in
usual plans or social events. Let them be the one to tell you if the commitment
is too much to manage.
·
Listen without always
feeling that you have to respond. Sometimes a caring listener is what the
person needs the most.
·
Expect the person with
cancer to have good days and bad days, emotionally and physically.
·
Keep your relationship
as normal and balanced as possible. Greater patience and compassion are called
for during times like these, and your friend should continue to respect your
feelings, as you respect their feelings.
·
Offer to help in
concrete, specific ways.
Don’t:
·
Offer advice they
don’t ask for, or be judgmental.
·
Feel you must put up
with serious displays of temper or mood swings. You shouldn’t accept disruptive
or abusive behavior just because someone is ill.
·
Take things too
personally. It’s normal for the person with cancer to be quieter than usual, to
need time alone, and to be angry at times.
·
Be afraid to talk
about the illness.
·
Always feel you have
to talk about cancer. The person with cancer may enjoy conversations that don’t
involve the illness.
·
Be afraid to hug or
touch your friend if that was a part of your friendship before the illness.
·
Be patronizing. (Try
not to use a “How sick are you today?” tone when asking how the person is
doing.)
·
Tell the person with
cancer, “I can imagine how you must feel,” because you really can’t.
No matter how close you are, it may take time for the person to adjust to the diagnosis and be ready to tell
others. Don’t take it personally. Focus on how you can support that person now that you know.
For more about this, please see our document called After Diagnosis: A Guide for
Patients and Families.
